Today I reflect on a topic that you may not give much thought to. It can come as easy as breathing to many people. But for others it may require significant effort.
For introverts, or for those of us who can find some social situations a little awkward, small talk can be a puzzling starter before we move onto the main course of the conversation.
What is small talk?
Understanding the role of small talk was one of the first lessons I learnt at work.
It wasn’t in the new employee induction manual. It wasn’t in the onboarding programme. And it wasn’t in the list of essential competencies for the role.
Small talk is having a conversation with someone or group of people about a neutral topic (and often without really saying anything useful). Typical safe subjects among my work colleagues have tended to be the weather, TV shows or sport. Food, baking and eating out also comes up, but my conversation quickly runs dry in those areas!
Topics to avoid can include politics, money, religion and personal relationships.
Using conversation to establish connection
Over those early weeks in my first job, I began to realise these conversations were a useful way to form and develop relationships.
Feeling connected and being a valuable part of a community has been vital for humans through generations. We may not need to co-ordinate hunts to feed the community or share knowledge about safe berries to eat. But establishing rapport with colleagues before tackling a project or challenge can bring about the same feelings of being on the same side. Working towards a shared goal or cause.
Consciously starting a conversation with a ‘small talk subject’ may have been one of the first instances of me using masking behaviour at work to fit in. My preference is to have a deeper conversation on a specific topic. But now view small talk as an entry point to get to where I prefer to be.
Engaging in small talk is one low-effort accommodation I can make without having a significant negative impact on me.
Getting involved with small talk
You should never feel that you have to take part in conversations if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. But if you would like to, but don’t know how begin, then here are a few suggestions:
- Spend a few minutes preparing beforehand. Think about somewhere you visited or an activity you have taken part in recently that you can share.
- Prepare a few questions relating to neutral topics that you can ask others. Some people like to talk about themselves, so you might not need to do much talking!
- Practice. And from my experience, the more you take part, the easier small talk conversations become over time.
- Listen to what others are saying. Asking a follow-up question, or later remembering something that someone said can help the relationship.
- And when you’ve said enough, then stop talking. Give time and space for others to contribute to the conversation.
I don’t always know how long the small talk section of a conversation at work is supposed to last. But that’s a question for another day…